Because I can’t have any of my awesome, married, best friends trying to date Alaskans with ambiguous t-shirt messages, I’ll start this post with a public service announcement:
Don’t date a man who is either gay, shares his grooming preferences with the world, or likes trees.
This might sound harsh, but trust me; you don’t want any of those losers anyway. Perhaps I should back up, for those of you, dear readers, who were not a part of the reunion tour. In Talkeetna, that little town that launches many a climber on to Denali, we saw a transgendered person. That’s not really part of this story, but it was definitely my first sighting in The Great White North…our red state is turning purple! Anyway, back to Talkeetna. What we also saw was a guy in a green shirt that read “Less Bush, More Trees”, which spawned a conversation amongst the four of us as to what it meant. Joyanne & Valerie, as usual, had come to the same conclusion: he was announcing his below-the-belt grooming preferences to all the interested ladies. Adrienne went another direction entirely, and assumed he was flying the rainbow flag and taking the ‘homo’ in Homo Sapiens pretty seriously. Seeing as I estimate there are about three gay men (and one transgendered one now, apparently) in all of Alaska, it would be smart of him to advertise loudly. I decided he must be one of those unpatriotic, tree-hugging liberals that get lost on their way to Canada and end up in Alaska. Regardless, though, my conclusion as a dating expert is that he is undateable and should be shunned.
Speaking of Homo Sapiens though, we saw a lot of other animals on this trip, and I think it’s time for a quick biology lesson (aka, I want to post my animal pictures).
Haliaeetus Leucocephalus. Otherwise known as the Bald Eagle, these babies are a dime a dozen in Alaska. If you make me stop the car so you can take a picture, I will belittle you.
Oreamnos Americanus. Just because your camera can’t zoom far enough to turn the little white dots into Mountain Goats, doesn’t mean they’re only “alleged” wildlife. Time to graduate from film to digital.
Branta Canadensis. Yeah, Canadian Geese aren’t really Alaskan, and they aren’t exactly rare, but these ones had babies that were cute. So they make the cut.
Oncorhynchus Tshawytscha. Try saying that 5x fast! It’s King season in Alaska, and they’re no wussy fish. Watch for the red ones, because they’re the ones that just finished mating—they get flushed just like humans do…not that I would know.
Alces Alces. Everyone’s favorite moose moose got its scientific name from the Native American word “moz”, which means “he trims, shaves”. Seriously.
Canis Familiaris. These are my favorite critters! They cuddle with me, they lick my face, and they behave well on a leash. Just like a good boyfriend.
I hope you all took notes. The test will be closed-book and timed. Don’t forget your No.2 pencils.
3 comments:
You are funny. I wasn't asking for me, I was just asking about "a girl" but I am glad you answered my question, that shows you weren't just talkin' smack.
I didn't say I was answering it for you. You think you're my only awesome, married, best friend? Someone thinks highly of herself... :)
Maybe not your only awesome married best friend, but certainly the best!
And, I hear bald eagles smell strongly of fish. Ole Ben Franklin was on to something when he requested the turkey. Yum!
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