For the one of my two readers who doesn't know about my honey's boo boo, let me summarize the events of the last couple weeks. Corey broke his wrist (and his finger it turns out, but that went undiagnosed until today) while biking in Canada, going 30ft off a 25ft jump. He also converted the elbow of his unbroken arm into ground hamburger meat. With stitches and bandages on both arms, he has been an invalid for the past three weeks and I've gotten to practice my long-expired Camp Sparky first aid certification on him. Although I was hoping to just post a picture of the shower routine to capture why I approve of laughing at the disabled, the little tiny shred of mercy I have left in my body won't allow me to sink that low. However, it won't keep me from telling tales, because the world needs to know just how hilarious handicapped people are. And so, without further ado, dear readers, it is time for some invaluable advice on how to date a differently-abled person (as those of us who are sensitive to their plight refer to the handi-tards).
Let's take some questions from those of you dating handicapped people:
Q: What are some fun things for handicapped people to do since they can't ride their bikes down steep hills any more?
A: Well, if you google "fun things for handicapped people", like me, you learn that a better question is "Why are disabled people so mean?" (I'm serious...google it). They are mean because they cannot do the things they used to be able to do, even though those things are sometimes of questionable sanity, and you already thought they were mentally handicapped for doing them in the first place. Because they can no longer do these things, you will need to find other ways to occupy them, since sitting in bed and watching tv all day won't occupy them quite the way it would if they were choosing to do it instead of being forced to do it. I have a few suggestions:
- Stick a dog treat in their back pocket and get the dog to follow them around all day. This will keep their mind sharp; they will constantly be wondering if the dog is following them because it senses their weakness and wants to thin them from the herd. Keeping the mind sharp is essential to a quick recovery, and being followed is surprisingly occupying. Make sure you plant the "thinning the weak from the herd" idea in their head early on to make this more effective.
- Make all their meals things like sushi or steak--tough to eat with limited mobility. This will ensure that meals last approximately 4.5 hours, and they won't need to find other things to do.
- Introduce them to facebook quizzes.
- Tell their mother you think they are getting depressed. The hourly phone call check-ins will make them beg for the peace and quiet of laying in bed and watching tv.
- Rearrange all their arm-propping bed pillows. Trust me--it will take ages for them to get them back to just perfect.
A: This is a trick question. Just when you think you've hit the top, you find new levels of pride-reducing activities to participate in. For example, "I think there's still soap in my butt crack" will no longer be a foreign phrase. You might also get to hear, "Smell how bad my cast smells," and yes, it does smell that bad. Holding up the bottom edge of a t-shirt that has toothpaste and spit dribbled all the way down the front after a failed toothbrushing venture to ensure that it doesn't hit the floor before you can skillfully maneuver the shirt off? Check. Using medical tape and rubberbands to alter deer-gutting gloves so they can be used as cast covers in the shower? Check. Learning intimate details about the constipating side effects of Percoset? Check. And trust me, I've saved the better ones for you to discover on your own.
Q: What skills do I need to have if I'm going to be spending time with a disabled person?
A: Occupational therapist. EMT. Masseuse. Psychiatrist. Chauffeur. Chef. Maid. Butler. Personal Assistant. Esthetician (Have you ever cut someone's fingernails before? So not easy.). Babysitter. Entertainer. Sugar Momma/Daddy. But don't worry--if you don't have these skills already, you will be well-qualified very quickly. You will also have gained a very strong stomach if you didn't have one before, because flesh that has been converted to hamburger helper is not attractive. Especially not hamburger helper that has a drinking straw sticking out of it so that your burst bursa sac can drain, and a collection of Frankenstein stitches that connect random chunks of noodle and beef that didn't used to be next to each other. Abs of steel? Psh. I've got a gag reflex of steel now. And that's next level.
Q: How do I woo a handi-tard (or a no-handi-tard as we refer to my honey)?
A: The disabled are as desperate for love as Brett Favre is for douche-baggery, so you don't have to try very hard. One good way is through food. For example, my no-handi-tard craves pudding and Arby's all day, every day, when injured, and so providing either of those things wins major brownie points. Another good way is to treat them like a scratching post. Since they cannot scratch themselves, they will appreciate a good clawing. Lastly, keep all the toilet seats in the house lifted. It's a small thing, but it won't go unnoticed. And soon, you will be the proud owner of your very own invalid.
Q: It's not working out with my broken beau. Is there a good way to make a clean break (pun intended) and escape the relationship?
A: Cash For Clunkers ends on Monday, so act fast and trade up.
