Who's Your Daddy?

My dad gave notice at work today. I am SO proud of him I could burst!

Where Everybody Knows Your Name, Interrupted

I have a favorite restaurant now. The food is passable, but there's plenty of it and I even have "my" waitress. Her name is Alex (which I learned today after asking to sit in "that girl's" section), she's a dead ringer for Anne Hathaway, and she likes black ink tattoos. She also brings me a diet coke on her way over to my table, before asking if I want the special (which I do), and rattling off my pizza topping, salad special order, and dressing selection. For $5 I get a slice of pizza with whatever topping I want, a big salad (minus the mushrooms, olives, onions, and other yucky additions), a bottomless drink, and a whole plate of buttery, cheesy breadsticks with marinara. It's far more than I can eat in one sitting, so usually I leave feeling bloated, but it's worth it. Especially because Alex doesn't think I'm lame for always coming in by myself and doing Kakuro puzzles while I eat (she even said she's bored of Sudoku and looking for something new). Of course, it helps that they donated to my silent auction, too. It takes me back to my IHOP passion/obsession when the boys and I were regulars for the late night shift, doing crosswords (or rather, they did the first half, gave up, and I finished them) and eating almost strictly appetizers.

Well, this post was going along nicely, but Fox News just ruined my evening, and I don’t remember my point, nor do I feel like writing anymore, but now that I've started I have to post something. In 40 minutes, here (in no particular order) are the stories they reported on:

--A 7-year-old was locked in a closet and starved to death by his foster parents

--A 4-year-old strangled herself in a car window when her grandma left her alone

--A college student was murdered and then her house set on fire

--A transgendered teen was beaten to death with a fire extinguisher when the man she met online found out she was born male

--A father-son team who raped a female pizza delivery driver was turned loose from jail on a technicality

--A man killed his girlfriend’s kitten to intimidate her, and when that didn’t work, decided to strangle his girlfriend instead

--A doctoral student was killed by lightning while practicing karate

--Oh, and John McCain promises to catch Osama bin Laden

I think I need to go back to my happy-place-restaurant where I can remain blissfully sheltered from the world’s evils. Like Fox News. Maybe they're all just depressed that they don't know how to mail merge...I guess it's time to get back on my soap box.

Office Evangelism

If I were to travel the world trying to convert people to something, religion is the last thing I’d choose to preach about. Believe or don’t believe in whatever deity you want—I have bigger fish to fry. You see, dear readers (don’t you just love that phrase?), there are people walking the world right now that don’t know the bliss that is mail merge. There are people perambulating the planet that have never experienced the ecstasy of conditional formatting. There are people tottering through their time on this terra firma that wouldn’t know how to set a transparent color, add a toolbar or toggle between their master page and their publication page if their life depended on it. Doesn’t this disturb you?? It should.

Forget the Office Linebacker—I’d be the Office Evangelist (and not in the sense that I’ll be preaching Godbuddhallahyahweh in the office…I already live that dream). Embrace the organization! Embrace the saving grace of to-do lists and color-coding! I will show you the way. Yes, I have suffered persecution for my beliefs, but I ignore the harassment, because they all come back seeking organizational guidance eventually.

Today at work I taught Maurice how to find his lost toolbars, introduced Twanisha to the joys of photo format conversion, solved Denise’s background color problem, berated Russell over IM for missing out on the magic of mail merge, and even taught myself the formula for inserting today’s date into an Excel cell. All in a day’s work for an Office Evangelist.

p.s. Beware, No-Longer-Phlummoxicated... 'Pierogi' sounds like code for drugs to me.

It's in the Stars

Dear Phlummoxed,

An interesting question you pose. You didn’t tell me your birth date, but from the sounds of your letter, I would guess you’re a late-ish March baby…March 23^rd perhaps. That places you on the cusp of Aries and Pisces, the first and last signs of the Zodiac. Arses, as I’ll call you and your honey, are very receptive to the needs of others and hate being alone (I guess it’s good you found each other!). You are all about fantasy, art, spirituality and impracticality; your heads are in the clouds and you’re very emotional. Arses are compassionate, sensitive and imaginative; you’re romantic and sentimental, and probably musically talented. Your favorite sports are aerobics and sailing, and you’re into holistic medicine.

Hopefully that all sounds familiar; I was an astrology major in college, so I’m pretty good at that stuff. So now to your question: “What does it mean if your date has the same birthday as you? And she didn't run off into the sunset at finding out such information...” Well, it means nothing that she has the same birthday as you. I have the same birthday as Prince, the Love Muscle/Mussell shares a birthday with Hannah Montana, and Uncle Cannonball Leg and My Trophy Boyfriend are birthday twins. There are a few more than 365 people on this planet, so chances are about 50/50 that there’s someone else out there with your birthday. However, because I can read between the lines, I’ll answer the question you were really trying to ask, which is, “Am I in love?”

Son, love is a many splendored thing; love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love! And yet, you fear commitment and vulnerability—you think she’ll leave you because you share the same birthday? If she’s going to leave you, it’s more likely because she caught you mid-Jane Fonda aerobics routine with your leg stretched up to your ear while wearing her favorite thong over the threadbare leotard you bought at Goodwill. But what you need to realize is that if she can’t appreciate you exactly the way you are, aerobics and all, she’s not the one for you anyway. So stop worrying about why she hasn’t run away yet and enjoy the perks of being with someone you’re so astrologically-aligned with.

Sincerely,

Dating Advice Columnist

p.s. I may not be in the business of advice much longer; I’m submitting my application tomorrow for a new life and a new job!

p.p.s. This little girl is the cutest future-hippie ever.

Doppelgangers

Letitia brought her new baby, Daylen, into the office the other day, and a big discussion ensued over whether he looked more like mom or dad. I don’t see how you can possibly tell when he’s only 11 weeks old, but it seems like everyone is obsessed with making a definitive determination. Even now that I’m an adult, people are always comparing me to my mom, me to my sisters, my sisters to each other, etc. Personally, I don’t see any resemblance between any of us, but I think I’m biased because I lived with them for 18 years.

The more entertaining thing to me is what celebrities people think I look like. Myheritage.com has a fun little upload program that takes your picture and tells you who you most resemble. It always makes ridiculous suggestions and frequently gets your gender wrong, but it’s still fun. My mom gets told she looks like Jodie Foster a lot, and Lindy gets Jennifer Love Hewitt. Me, I get Johnny Depp. And the Bionic Woman. I guess that just means I’m versatile? Sometimes people are generous enough to say I look like Sandra Bullock or Natalie Portman, but even myheritage thinks I look like Eddie Murphy. Who do you look like?

Animal Crackers In My Soup

Because I can’t have any of my awesome, married, best friends trying to date Alaskans with ambiguous t-shirt messages, I’ll start this post with a public service announcement:

Don’t date a man who is either gay, shares his grooming preferences with the world, or likes trees.

This might sound harsh, but trust me; you don’t want any of those losers anyway. Perhaps I should back up, for those of you, dear readers, who were not a part of the reunion tour. In Talkeetna, that little town that launches many a climber on to Denali, we saw a transgendered person. That’s not really part of this story, but it was definitely my first sighting in The Great White North…our red state is turning purple! Anyway, back to Talkeetna. What we also saw was a guy in a green shirt that read “Less Bush, More Trees”, which spawned a conversation amongst the four of us as to what it meant. Joyanne & Valerie, as usual, had come to the same conclusion: he was announcing his below-the-belt grooming preferences to all the interested ladies. Adrienne went another direction entirely, and assumed he was flying the rainbow flag and taking the ‘homo’ in Homo Sapiens pretty seriously. Seeing as I estimate there are about three gay men (and one transgendered one now, apparently) in all of Alaska, it would be smart of him to advertise loudly. I decided he must be one of those unpatriotic, tree-hugging liberals that get lost on their way to Canada and end up in Alaska. Regardless, though, my conclusion as a dating expert is that he is undateable and should be shunned.

Speaking of Homo Sapiens though, we saw a lot of other animals on this trip, and I think it’s time for a quick biology lesson (aka, I want to post my animal pictures).

Haliaeetus Leucocephalus. Otherwise known as the Bald Eagle, these babies are a dime a dozen in Alaska. If you make me stop the car so you can take a picture, I will belittle you.

Oreamnos Americanus. Just because your camera can’t zoom far enough to turn the little white dots into Mountain Goats, doesn’t mean they’re only “alleged” wildlife. Time to graduate from film to digital.

Branta Canadensis. Yeah, Canadian Geese aren’t really Alaskan, and they aren’t exactly rare, but these ones had babies that were cute. So they make the cut.

Oncorhynchus Tshawytscha. Try saying that 5x fast! It’s King season in Alaska, and they’re no wussy fish. Watch for the red ones, because they’re the ones that just finished mating—they get flushed just like humans do…not that I would know.

Alces Alces. Everyone’s favorite moose moose got its scientific name from the Native American word “moz”, which means “he trims, shaves”. Seriously.

Canis Familiaris. These are my favorite critters! They cuddle with me, they lick my face, and they behave well on a leash. Just like a good boyfriend.

I hope you all took notes. The test will be closed-book and timed. Don’t forget your No.2 pencils.