Ode to a Crossword Puzzle

First, read this article. Or, at least the first page. The second and third pages are a lot more of the same.

http://www.slate.com/id/2198171

Dear Mr. Rosenbaum,

As you clearly state in your rant, because I am a puzzle-enthusiast I must not enjoy literary pursuits, and thus would have no idea who Livy is; so here is a quote I probably made up by someone named ‘Livy’ who maybe is my great Aunt or maybe the homeless lady that stands outside my office or maybe a Roman historian whose work I used to translate when I studied Latin:

“We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them.”

Since you also clearly state that the complex rules of Sudoku are beyond your ability to master, I can understand your fear of puzzle-people. Obviously I fear all North Koreans, homosexuals, Wiccans, non-English speakers, people in wheelchairs, senior citizens, and men, because I don’t understand any of them. Heck, my own grandmother argued for half an hour with my sister about her identity, and calls me by her daughter-in-law’s name—that logic makes no sense to me and so I am totally afraid of all 5 feet and white hair of her. And Wiccans…man—they can cast spells!

I’d also like to apologize for using my lunch break to do puzzles when I could work on solving the world’s problems like you do by writing such thought-provoking articles. The work that I do the other 8 hours that I’m in downtown Denver—finding homes for low-income families and helping them break the cycle of poverty through education and access to resources—well, that’s just downright selfish compared to the good I could be doing by using those hours for reading. Maybe if I read the Kite Runner the many social ills plaguing Afghanistan (I’ve heard rumors, but obviously my Kakuro puzzles don’t keep me up-to-date on the specifics) would just dry up. And maybe if I started reading the hard-hitting news articles about the rapists and the murderers I would suddenly have the power to make those things stop. Here I was thinking that action might solve these problems, but now I know that I just need to start reading more about the problems. I’m so glad you’ve cleared up my misconceptions.

I forget sometimes that I’m supposed to be as sad and frustrated and depressed as the rest of the world. I forget that my doing a crossword puzzle in the Starbucks of Tears, as you call it, is insulting to those in grief while your reading a book is comforting and proactive. You truly are an American hero, Mr. Rosenbaum, and I applaud your dedication to the eradication of disease and heartache. I am confident that when you finish War and Peace, it will lead to a cure for AIDS, and if you could please just make it through Gulliver’s Travels I know we’ll be on our way to lowered obesity rates and the end of civil unrest.

I’d offer to teach you the rules of Sudoku, but I wouldn’t want such a creative literary mind to get lost in the wan sterility of puzzles and get drained of its imagination. In fact, you should probably start wearing a tinfoil hat—you wouldn’t want any of our brain leaches to get to you. Fear us—fear the threatening plague of puzzle-doers. It’s too late for me, but you can still save yourself…

With a complete lack of sarcasm,
Dating Advice Columnist & Puzzle Fan

List-en Up

Is three weeks too long in between posts? Too bad. I’ve been busy! So here, in happy list form, is what I’ve been up to:

1. Festivals. Colorado apparently celebrates the arrival of every weekend with beer and music. Not a bad combo, really! In the last month or two I’ve been to Brewgrass and the New West Fest, was invited to Brewfest and the Irish Festival (although I couldn’t make it to either), and coming up is Taste of Colorado and the Great American Beer Festival Plus Telluride’s Jazz/Blues/Bluegrass festivals, Keystone’s Bluegrass and Beer, and other mountain-area festivals that I’ll save for another year. Beer + Music = Yes.
2. Bikes. Corey likes bikes. A lot. He likes me a lot too, but it’s probably a toss-up between us, and bikes were in his life long before I was. So spending all this time with him is helping me learn a whole new vocabulary in which to speak about this activity. For example, we went to Crankworx, which is a biking competition, and we watched the slopestyle portion. I saw competitors do supermans onto the step-up and can talk about travel and pressure suits.
3. Web Design. Our new Hope Communities website is well underway and scheduled to launch September 15^th. I’ve also been working on a new website for Alaska Premier Health, which you can see at www.alaskapremierhealth.com/aphindex1.html. It’s not quite done, and it doesn’t look as good in firefox for some reason, but we’ll probably launch soon and work out bugs as we go because apparently momma’s employees are being impatient.
4. Olympics. Duh.
5. Eating. I pretty much am addicted to food I think. Can’t live without it, oddly enough. Last night Corey took me to the Briarwood Inn and spoiled me rotten with a sumptuous dinner capped off by a ridiculous spread of desserts that carried over into breakfast this morning. Three tiers of dipped fruit, cookies, and chocolate everything. Deeeelish. In fact, I think it’s about dessert time now…