Dating for Dysfunctional Dummies

The judge told us that the two most important things an American can do are 1) vote and 2) serve on a jury. Apparently it wasn't a very convincing thing to say, because at least 50% of the 65 of us in that room came up with wildly outrageous excuses to get dismissed. I wasn't feeling up to perjury that morning so I didn't invoke exotic illnesses and suspicious past experiences to get myself disqualified, and thus six hours later I was sitting in juror seat #2.

Over the course of the next two days, as I heard more testimony, I was disheartened to learn that there are still soooooo many people out there in need of my dating advice. Therefore, I feel compelled to write this special column, just for people like the Smith-Johnson-Miller-Brown (names have been changed to protect the not-at-all innocent) family.

If my previous columns were chapters in Dating 101, this column would be more like See Spot Run for learning-diasbled kindergartners. If you're trying to determine whether you are in need of this advice or not, here is a short quiz to help you:

1. Are your children all half-siblings because you change partners, on average, as often as you get an oil change for your car?
2. Have any of your 14-year-old children moved out of the house to live with their of-legal-age boyfriends and you did not mind?
3. Does your significant other sell crack?
4. When you suspect your spouse of cheating, do you ask your children to spy on him or her?
5. Is lying to the police about your significant other a hobby of yours?

If you answered yes to any one of these, you probably aren't often described as "lucky in love"; two or more, and you're a Maury episode ("You are NOT the father") waiting to happen. If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you are relationship-handicapped and I officially revoke your procreation license until you have successfully completed my Dating for Dummies rehabilitation course.

The course itself is much too long and intensive for a blog post, but here are a few questions for you to ponder (I'll keep the number of answer options to only two...this is the remedial class, after all) while you work on filling out your full course registration forms:

Question One: What are characteristics of the "perfect" husband?

a. Loves you unconditionally, is great with your children (even if fathered by other men), is a good provider, has a great sense of humor, is devastatingly handsome, and makes you infinitely happy
b. Sells crack, molests your children, cheats on you, and has complete control over every aspect of your life

Question Two: If you think your significant other has done something wrong, the best way to get him to tell you about is...

a. Wait for a good time and broach the subject non-confrontationally, asking that he/she tell you his/her side of the story
b. Get him/her to take tequila shots with you, smoke crack with you, and have sex with you, then trick him/her into confessing

Question Three: What is the most important part of a successful relationship?

a. Trust
b. Keeping track of your lies so that your significant other never catches you in one.

All the "b"-Students in the crowd should now end whatever relationships they are in and go back to school. My school that is. Class is now in session.