Digital Dating for Dummies

You might think that I should write a post about politics. I was in the stadium for Obama’s latest speech, after all. And I come from Sarah Palin’s state and could throw my two cents about her qualifications into the oozing, bloated mass of commentary already flooding the internet. But that would be too predictable.

Instead, there is a much more important matter that requires my attention: dating advice. It’s come to my attention that some of my more silent readers are having dating issues that need addressing, and I would be remiss to not tackle them here and now. And so I give you: Digital Dating for Dummies.

Way back in the 20th century, after a first date, you spent the next several days gnawing your fingernails and dialing six numbers before hanging up as you tried to decide how long was the right amount of long to wait before calling to ask for a second date. Oh, the good ol’ days. Now you have the option of dialing six numbers before flipping your phone closed, halfway typing “How R U?” before hitting Clear repeatedly, partially writing an email before selecting Save to Drafts, or double-clicking on her ‘fLiRteeKitTeN1989’ screenname to bring up a window, but not typing anything before closing it again. Is a phone call too eager? A text too informal? What if she doesn’t check her email regularly? What if she forgot to sign off and her mom is on the computer now? OH GOD IT’S ALL SO STRESSFUL.

Never fear, dear readers, for the Dating Advice Columnist is here to teach you what the correct response to every situation is using the many tools available to you in this digital world.

Situation One: You get an email from your potential amour and her girl logic has you confused about what she’s saying. So you email it to your best girlfriend for advice. Or did you hit reply? Shit.

Do you:

a) Call her immediately, explain, apologize, and then humbly accept her decision to block your number and never speak to you again

b) Email her 50 more times with funny forwards so that that first damning email gets pushed out of her inbox and on to the next page and hope that she just deletes all the emails from you after realizing the first couple were all just stupid forwards

c) Send her a series of texts that lead her on a scavenger hunt, keeping her away from her house long enough to sneak in, hack into her computer, and delete the file

d) Do nothing, and when she asks, claim that the neighbor’s cat was walking on your keyboard and must’ve accidentally sent the email.

Obviously A is not a good option, as honesty rarely is. And as awesome as it might be to get away with B or C, getting caught would definitely be awkward, so better not to risk it. Go D, and then if she does ask, and you pull out the cat excuse, you can then immediately segway into your I-Hate-Cats speech and if she doesn’t sympathize it wasn’t mean to be anyway. Stupid cats.
Situation Two: You and your potential amour exchange phone numbers. Soon you’re happily having 5-hour-long text message conversations and are so enamored that you’re ready to take it to the next level…the phone call. Unfortunately, she does not answer your calls, nor does she return your voicemails.

Do you:

a) Think that maybe she’s right, you’re moving too fast, and settle into a happy text-only relationship

b) Email her a gift certificate for prepaid cell phone minutes in case her plan is unlimited texts but no phone calls unless your Circle and her Fave Five overlap…and they don’t

c) Start responding to her text messages with voicemails, staying within the 160 character limit so they’re short and choppy

d) Change your phone number and then call, and if she answers, you know it’s intentional that she’s not answering your calls…what a bitch.

Talking on the phone can be stressful, so I don’t blame her. With a text, you can always think about what you’re going to write before you LOL back, even if it was only sort of funny and you only really chuckled a little bit; on the phone, you’d have to actually laugh, God forbid. I don’t think you need to actually change your number to try out D…just call from a friend’s phone, and then hang up and text-dump her if she answers. And I wouldn’t spend any money on her, like option B yet…she’s obviously shady. So that leaves A and C. If you’re the wussy, accommodating type, go route A; if you’re the manly, sarcastic type, option C it is.

Situation Three: As you browse dating profiles on your e-match site of choice, an email pops into your inbox of love. Moderately attractive, somewhat intelligent, warm, breathing, and you’re reasonably sure she’s female? That requires a reply! So you jot a few witty lines in reply and send them off into cyberspace. Lo and behold, she wrote back! You breathlessly open the email and begin to read… “I’m so glad Jesus finally brought me my perfect other half and cannot wait to learn everything there is to know about you. I just cancelled my account, so I’m free forever! When do you want to meet?”

Do you:

a) Clap excitedly and call the phone number she included after taking a moment to genuflect and murmur a little heavenly “Thank You”

b) LOL, then call her bluff with a little reply email… “Sweetheart, I’ve had this ring and no finger to put it on for so long. What God has brought together, let no man tear apart…”

c) Shrug, and tell yourself she can’t possibly be crazier than the narcoleptic Tourette’s she-male who set your couch on fire, and send her a little smiley face IM

d) This is no time for jokes. Run. Change your email, phone number, address, and legal name. Say goodbye to your loved ones, because you can never see them again. Hurry!

Alright drama queen, take a deep breath and stop shouting the letter ‘D’. She still only has your e-match email, remember? And if she cancelled her account, then you’re definitely safe. So I guess that makes this a trick question. I can’t in good conscience recommend A, but although B and C will likely produce awesome stories, you may end up rigor mortised in a dumpster with her name carved in your chest. I’d go with option ‘E’ and set her up with that guy at your office that so desperately needs to get laid that he starts sweating uncontrollably if a female walks within 10 feet of him.

Well, all this advice-ing has me plum tuckered out! Hopefully you all can handle your dating issues for a few weeks without me. I need a vacation.

Exhaustedly yours,
Dating Advice Columnist Lady